I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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