I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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