I think my vagina is haunted
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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