One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
