found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
