sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
