I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
