Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
