Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
