Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
