Don't make out with my wife yet
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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