textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
