his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
