Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
