Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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