Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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