I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
