Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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