Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
