Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
