Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
