i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
How external is "for external use only"?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
