even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
