woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize