Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
