Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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