Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
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