He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
