how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
