On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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