I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
