Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Someone came in the potted fern
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
