Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Terrible idea I love it
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
