I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
