my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
