I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
