my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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