I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
