Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
