i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
