WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
