chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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