I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
