also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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