I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
