I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
