you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
