I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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