A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
