I'm drive I can fine osifer
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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