Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
