I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
