she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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