eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think i got beer on your cat.
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