New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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