I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
