You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
